i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
