Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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