Yo dont text me then not text me
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Randomize
