I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Randomize
