So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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