I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
