Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Oh god it's open bar.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
