There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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