Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
