and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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