the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
