How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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