At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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