I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
