Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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