Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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