I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
