How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
