what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
