well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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