Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
