I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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