here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
