the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
