My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
