i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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