so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
