why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
