dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
are you so shy because you have an std?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
