my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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