yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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