If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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