He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
