How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
