You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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