Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
