my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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