There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
