How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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