i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
