i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
