i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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