I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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