Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
