So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
