I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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