I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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