Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
