wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
