mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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